Friday, March 20, 2009

Thanks For The Ticket. I Really Enjoyed That Parking Spot.

It is not a twist of fate that brings you my blog topic today, but rather, sick and twisted fate. 

OF COURSE after writing my last blog topic about the wonders of auto insurance, today I get nailed with a parking ticket. I've been wanting to write about the ridiculousness of trying to find a parking spot in student Y lots at BYU, and now I am seizing my chance!

Finding a Parking Spot at BYU. 
Level of Difficulty: Recalcitrant. 
(Look it up.) 
So, you would think that by now, more than halfway through the second semester, I would be an expert about knowing how to find a parking spot. Believe it or not, I think I was more of an expert at the beginning of the semester than I am currently. You see, there is this sweet little Y parking lot on the south end of campus across from Brick Oven that used to be a pretty vacant lot. It is a little more difficult to access because it is by a high area of traffic and crawling with pedestrians. I didn't care, it was usually worth hitting a few students every now and then to get into this glorious lot. 

I'm kidding.

Anyway, my point is - not many people used to park in this lot. Well, somehow, the secret leaked about this lot and now EVERYBODY parks there. It's like, the new thing to do. "Oh, what, you don't park in that lot? Sorry, I can't be seen with you anymore." Ok, so maybe that's a little drastic. But seriously. What the heck?!?! That was MY lot!!!!! 

So now, my biggest battle in the mornings (besides the battle with my alarm clock) is finding a parking spot. Seriously, if you don't have a class at 8am or earlier, your chances of finding a vacant spot are very slim. My first class starts at 9am, but no, that's not good enough!

I, and many other students, now have to endure a process called "vulturing". Yes that's right, it is just like how it sounds. We sit around at different ends and corners of the lot, just waiting to be the first to pounce on a student coming back from class. Most of the time, they are usually a pedestrian that walked to school and are taking a short cut through the lot. It's not funny. Stop doing it. Now when we are lucky enough to find someone that is actually parked and leaving, the claiming of the spot is pretty ridiculous. You drive up as close as possible to the spot and turn on your blinker. Your blinker!!! "My light is blinking first, therefore I get their spot, and it doesn't matter how long you've been driving around this lot!" Uh, nuh-uh buddy. How bout a number system, eh? Whoever has been searching for a spot the longest shall receive the fulness of the parking spot! No more blinkerage, I'll pull out my number and smile as I drive into my well-deserved parking spot. Yeah boy. I like that system. Or, here's an idea: CREATE MORE PARKING SPOTS!!!!

Now, for those of you who are like, dude, just walk to school. Oh my goodness, believe me, if I happened to NOT live in the apartment complex that happens to be located the furtherest away from campus, I would be walking EVERYDAY! In fact, I would probably walk to and fro several times a day - just cause I could. And I've actually walked to school once before when my car failed to start. It took me almost an hour, and I missed my first class. The good thing was that I was currently enrolled in HEPE and was participating in that pedometer assignment, you know - the thing that counts how many steps you take - and it totally boosted my step count. Like by 50,000 steps. It was wicked. 

Anyway, so today happened to be a day when there were absolutely ZERO parking spots between all the three south end parking lots, and my class was going to start in 25 mins. I spent 10 minutes vulturing, and no dice. I FINALLY found a parking spot on the side of the road across from a lot and next to an apartment complex. The thing was, if I parked there, my car would be halfway between the NO PARKING ---> sign and a legal area. So, half of my car would be legally parked. Considering my gas was being largely wasted and my class was going to start soon, I called it pretty good odds and sprinted up the hill to class. 

After class, I had a religion test to take. It took me a little bit over an hour to complete, and then I was done for the day. As I approached my car, I couldn't tell if there was anything on my windshield or not. As I got closer, the sun gleamed at the right angle and there was most definitely a light yellow envelope tucked into my wiper blade. Maybe I should remove those. Grumbling, I snatched it and got inside my car and drove away. As I was driving, I decided to take a peek at the envelopes contents. My eyes skimmed over the time stamp (15 minutes ago) and then down to the marked violation and correlating price. 

Painted Line/Curb/Sign Violation - $30.00

THIRTY DOLLARS?!?!?! For HALFWAY parking my car legally??? I was totally blown away. I looked at the other possible violations and their prices for comparison. 

Blocking Driveway - $25
15' of Fire Hydrant - $30
20' of a Crosswalk or Intersection - $25
Parking on a Sidewalk - $30
Red Curb - $30
Time Restriction - $25
Registration/Plate violation - $30
Disability Space Violation - $125
Facing Traffic or 12'' From Curb - $30

Great, I get fined the same amount just as if I had been:
- Blocking a fire hydrant and possibly risking people's lives that could have been saved by the fire truck needing to access the hydrant, 
- If I had absolute horrific driving skills and had somehow managed to park on the sidewalk (in my car, this would do more damage to my car than anything),
- Parked on a red curb which EVERYBODY knows not to do (not to mention totally embarrassing), 
- Had failed to register or forget my license plates on my car, 
- OR if I had parked facing traffic (which I'm not even sure how that is possible in Provo) or was parked pretty much in the middle of the road. 

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Older Your Car Gets, The More Lethal it Becomes.

In my finance class at BYU, we have been learning about different types of insurance. The auto insurance section was particularly interesting to me - I've had my share of experiencing both the benefits and detriments. 

So, I've owned my car for about three years, right? Somehow, it is still in one piece and running. It has been through a few accidents, gotten stuck in numerous ditches, failed to start, and has gotten almost every part replaced. A couple of years ago when I worked at the Provo Towne Centre Mall, I had just worked an 8 hour shift and was walking out to my car. I had arrived that morning before the mall was open and before the snow plows had the chance to plow the lot. Mall employees are supposed to park behind the blue lines that are at the outer ends of the parking lots --they are probably closer to Egypt then they are to the mall itself. Trying to adhere to this rule, I had parked in an area of employee's cars that was slowly accumulating at the back of the lot. So as I was enjoying my long, cold, winter walk to my car, I noticed a little piece of paper sticking out of the driver's window. Curious, I wondered which handsome guy had left his number for me again. Just kidding. 
Anyway, still curious, I picked up the paper and read over the rushed writing. It instructed me to contact Mall Security in regards to my car being involved in a hit-and-run incident. 


I immediately began to survey my car. Lo and behold, the right back-end of my car sported a pretty decent-sized dent and a very much cracked brake light. I stepped back and realized my car was sitting pretty crooked in the parking stall as well. 

Turns out that a large white pick up truck had backed up into my car, lifting it off of the ground. There happened to be a lady that witnessed the entire thing, and she wrote down the license plate of the truck and immediately notified Mall Security. 

I am SO grateful for honest people.

The insurance company sent out a surveyor to estimate the cost of the damage to my car, and it totaled to an amount around $1,000

Pretty sure I bought my car for almost $4,000.

I like this whole insurance thing.

However, I think there should be more types of auto insurance available.

You know, for the day when I'm married and driving a grain truck to school...when (or if) it starts, the sound of the engine scares the crap out of the squirrel living under the seat and causes all heck to break loose. I would definitely need squirrel insurance.

Then later, when I begin to have a family and have a million and four kids, since there isn't insurance coverage available for incidents due to sliding van doors, I will probably own a Toyota Moon Buggy with spiffy side doors that close at a glacial closing rate. Those regular sliding van doors are dangerous, man.    

Sunday, March 1, 2009

[Insert Witty Title Here]

Tonight I discovered there are more purposes for a blog other than just posting a "web log". 

It has become almost a daily evening ritual for me and my roommate Carly to chillax on our lovely rust colored leather couches, TV on (usually flipped to Clean House,TLC, Law & Order, or The Suite Life of Zack and Cody) laptops situated on our laps, snack in hand, and during school nights - homework piled a mile high. A few minutes ago while participating in this ritual, I mentioned to Carly that I had finally started a blog. She pulled up her blog so she could add my blog. Our conversation went a something just a little like this: 

[Carly] "Ok, what's the address?"
[Malae] ""
"How do you spell it?"
"The H-O-M-O-U-R-E-D."
"One more time."
"Yea--wait. Oh crap, I meant H-U-M-O-U-R-E-D."

By this time we are both dying of laughter.
"Yeah I was gonna say, so you're a homo huh?
"No...but it sure is an excellent way to come out of the closet..."

...Yeah. Wow, I just drank a huge glass of liquid jello and am suffering from a sugar headache and conveniently, writer's cramp. And the fact that our TV is randomly getting louder is certainly not helping. And this commercial is SUPER annoying! And I just remembered that I have class tomorrow morning at 9:00am. Which reminds me that I need to write a blog about finding a parking spot at BYU. Next time fellas, next time.  

Saturday, February 21, 2009

B is the new C.

The Rule for Multiple Choice Exam Questions:
If in doubt, choose C.
The Rule for True or False Exam Questions:
Bring a coin. Heads means True, tails means False.

Yesterday I had a midterm for my Marriage Prep class (don't gotta prepare sometime). It was 95 questions long -- 40 of the 95 questions were True or False questions. All True or False questions are either patronizing or mind-numbingly stupid. And you can't just choose C and hope for the best. Take this story for example (refer to picture):

Response from the teacher:

Dear Michael, 

Every year I attempt to boost my students' final grades by giving them this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True or False questions. For the past twenty years I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score in the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.

There were two possible answer choices: A (True) and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with at least a quarter of the answers. It's as if you didn't look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!

May God have mercy on your soul.

Professor William Turner

P.S. If all else fails, go with B from now on.
B is the new C

Thursday, February 19, 2009


"Humor may be defined as the kindly contemplation of the incongruities of life, and the artistic expression thereof." - Stephen Leacock

So, I've been intrigued by this whole "blogging" thing. A "blog" is actually a web log. I don't understand why they combined the two words and took off the "we". I think it is quite appropriate with the "we", and arranging the letters like so: "we blog". I blog, you blog, we all fetching blog. It's the newest form of communication technology. It's also the newest source of information. FACT: I googled some tax inquiries the other day, and lo and behold, one of my highest sources WAS A BLOG. So, since this blogging epidemic is now pretty much unavoidable, I've given in, and I proudly present to you: The Humoured.

I am HUGE advocate for humor. I see it everywhere. I believe it is necessary for survival. Now, I get to share with the world...or whomever decides to glance over this blog once in awhile...the many humorous events in my life, your life, and your mom's life. 

Today I was shopping for milk. While in the produce section (nowhere near the dairy section, might I add), I couldn't help but notice an elderly lady shopping with, presumably, her granddaughter. Or great-granddaughter. Or even great-great granddaughter. At that moment, the child was helping her great-great grandma shop for some bananas. The grandma was reaching for some not-yet- ripened, very much green bananas. The little girl widened her eyes and said, "No grandma, you probably shouldn't get those." I'm sure the little girl was worried that her grandma was buying green and not very tasty bananas, but man - YOU KNOW YOU ARE OLD WHEN IT IS SUGGESTED THAT YOU DON'T BUY GREEN BANANAS!